A for Anxiety
Updated: Sep 17, 2023
Inspired by Cam (aka Struthless)’s alphabet superset challenge, I decided to kickstart a creative period.
I dreamed of building my first podcast, being consistently creative, picking up skills and knowledge along the way…
I failed MASSIVELY.

After filling out the worksheets at least 3 times, both on paper and digitally.
I planned and planned, and planned some more.
Week 1 started and I was confronted by my weaknesses.
It started with A for Aki – a podcast with interviews with people who I find inspiring.
“Who do I think I am?”
“Why would people want to talk to me or listen to me?”
“What if I put something completely useless out?”
Also the format and heavier logistics didn’t fit the weekly output model with such a short leading time. But mainly it failed because of my fear and self-doubt.
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Then it changed to A for Ahhhhhh – a podcast that will share my learning, unlearning and relearning.
I recording the first episode, each sentence was recorded at least 5 times, with 3 different microphones and edited with 3 different software.
Was massively stuck and felt (and I am) so under-skilled when it comes to audio editing (and just about everything else)
“What made me feel like I could do it and figure things out within such a short time?”
“Why would people care about my learnings?”
“I don’t have anything substantial to share…”
Again, killed by my negative self-talk and the busy schedule at work, but mainly my powerful negative self-talk.
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Then it was A for action – when I decided, fxxk it, starting is the key. Whatever it is, just put it out.
Then I am on the verge of catching a cold. As if my body also joined in the self-destructive side.
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So the truth is, A is for anxiety. The massive fear of being aware of how little I know; the fear of not being able to trust and respect myself; the fear of wasting my life away; the fear that I told my students and friends to ignore and not trust – I feel like a hypocrite.
My last resort is to be honest, vulnerable and open. I believe there’s value in showing the struggle.
There’s value in documenting the journey, not only the glorious side, but the ugly and the bad.
Image: the cover art of the learning podcast.
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